If you’re reading this Son, know that I love you

Given the chance for a proper goodbye, there’d still be so much left to say son!

24:00 Hours

17:00 hours

I hated summers in Kolkata. My usual day was almost about to end. In the evening, I sat down with a cup of tea. Even the wind seemed to have stopped. I felt heavy and started to sweat more than ever. Our house help was suspicious of the symptoms my body started to alter within a few minutes.

21:00 hours

I lay straight on the bed trying to catch my breath. Hours passed and I started to feel better. Rajasthan Royals and Mumbai Indians were on tonight. I was enjoying the past couple of days since the IPL started. I would have something to look forward to and help divert my attention from all the worry that has been constantly clouding my head. My wife thought that my body temperature was fluctuating and she massaged some oil on my chest and head.

21:15 hours

I startled to wake up to my phone ringing. It was my wife’s sister. Just as I was about to pick up, my heart started to feel heavy again. I was drenched with sweat and somehow managed to say a few words to my sister-in-law. There were two-three more calls, in which I barely managed to speak. I think I was about to lose my consciousness.

Son! Where are you? I need you now.

All my life, I have only thought for the people around me. I understood what responsibilities meant from a very young age. I believed hard work would always result in success. Yes, I had multiple regrets like many of us have today. I bore a huge burden of guilt in my heart. Regardless, I’ve always wanted to see you happy son! I wake up every morning yearning to just be your father. See the look on your face when you’re sad, happy, angry, or just fairly disappointed in what I had become. Were you son? Disappointed?

Your mother and you have been the sole reason for my purpose of living. I sacrificed so much and had to give up on the things I loved the most because of my accident. I believe in some sort of spiritual guidance that has helped me keep my spirits high despite of all that’s happened. You know that feeling son: of when you’re at the top of the mountain, and you look down upon everything the size of an ant? What do you feel? Don’t you feel powerful? Don’t you feel like at this moment, I rule the world. I felt that way so many times when I looked into your eyes. I saw that you’re already at the top and you feel empowered. I was your pillar, but now you were mine. Son, what we often forget when we are at the top of the mountain, is why we wanted to get there in the first place!

Be humble. Always grounded to where you came from. Remember son, always be happy with what you have. I loved how you played cricket. The zeal in your eyes when you first left us for college to live with your grandmother. When a father looks at his son and sees him ready to take on his role, that’s when he feels pride: in the man you’ve become, in the man you will become. You’ve been tremendous at doing that. Taking care of us without a word, without even hinting at us that it may be tough on you.

Even though you did not express, I could read it from your eyes. Why didn’t you ever tell your old man? Why were you not opening up to me? If I could turn back time now, I would just want to say that I love you and I realise that I did not do enough and left you too soon: with too much unsaid.

24:59 hours

My stomach didn’t feel too well. I rushed immediately and as I wanted to get out of the washroom, it felt like someone was beating the center of my chest with full force! I couldn’t speak and I dropped down on the floor. A cold sweat ran on my forehead. I think I am about to faint. I managed to somehow grab the lock and let myself out crawling. My poor wife immediately came running to my rescue and wanted to lift my bare body up on the bed. She tried. She really did. But I think, my time was here. It was now. No matter how hard I tried, now my body and soul needed to merge. Be one.

I couldn’t believe it son, a person like me would finally give in to heart attack!! It’s true how they say the soul takes it’s time to leave the body. I saw you son. Rushing to me. Lifting me up. I’m so sorry you had to leave everything and come to me. I didn’t want to trouble you. I wanted to go at peace. I’ll always be watching over you, strengthening you in your lows and cheering for you in your highs. Life has taught me so much and you have as well. I leave with no regrets. Life surprised me and I continue to explore! I think now all that’s left to say is “Take care of Maa and yourself. My time has ended. God believes in you and I believe in you too.”


14 thoughts on “If you’re reading this Son, know that I love you

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  1. This is such a heartwarming post. I could feel myself tearing up as I read it. My father passed away of Leukemia in 2005 and there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of him. Thank you so much for this touching post and for bringing my father back, if only in my heart and mind. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I cannot thank you enough for bringing in a huge smile to my face. I am so sorry for your loss. I couldn’t agree more.. I think grieve is a phase and never in our entire lifetime can we learn to cope. What we can learn is to cherish them and keep their memories fresh in our hearts ๐Ÿ’œ

      Liked by 1 person

    2. You’re most welcome. And you’re right. I’m thankful for the time I got to spend with them and for everything they taught me. There’s notba day that goes by that I don’t think of them. ๐Ÿ™‚

      Liked by 2 people

    3. Yes. We often find ourselves pondering on the last call we didn’t receive or the things we missed out to say. But I believe, the ones who truly love us are unconditionally doing that from wherever they are even now. I love how you have embraced this so beautifully. Keep shining ๐Ÿ’œ

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words. The situation has been grim and I’m not one to share grief. So I try to emote this way.

      I’m so happy that you enjoyed reading.
      Hope you are doing well

      Liked by 2 people

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