It was 3 AM, I was covered under the same sheets as the man who lay next to me. The fan was switched off. It was almost the end of winter and my body unexpectedly shivered. I felt a cold wind run down my spine. I turned around and looked over at him. He was sleeping like a baby. His arms around my shoulder. He was tired from all the sex we had.
I got up and wore my clothes. I sat on the right side of the bed for a while. He preferred to sleep on the left. The cigarette pack and ashtray were on his side. I walked over and sat on the chair. It took me time as the room was unfamiliar to me. We mostly booked the other one across the street. This one was a bit shabby. The receptionist gave a creepy look and seemed like couples came to have just lots of sex. There were no families in this place. I felt uneasy.
I placed the ashtray on my thigh and lit the cigarette. With the light of the match, I saw the bud of the joint I had just finished. With the little bit of moonlight peeping through the window, I could see the empty bottle of rum. My head felt so light. I was not in the best of my mood for the entire night. I thought to myself: It was consensual. I wanted to have a casual arrangement with this man I dated and probably had fallen a little in love with him. Why am I feeling used now? We decided on role playing today. Why did I feel weird when he called me his Bitch? We normally don’t talk much. We watch TV in the room and discuss a little bit about our lives.
I remembered talking about how we should not move on with this arrangement forward as I had started to expect more out of this. He readily agreed as if what we had meant nothing to him. Did he not like me at all? Am I even worth the time I spare for meeting with him? Maybe I have brought this upon me and let myself feel small. But we left the topic halfway and got back to eating, talking, and later ended up having sex for the second time tonight.
I put out my cigarette. I inhaled the last drag with a sound of satisfaction. I licked my lips. They were so dry from all the pot. I drank some water and went back to bed. He pulled me close to him and kissed me on my forehead. That’s when I thought, maybe- just maybe this was not so casual after all.