Mountains or the beach?
Well here we go again.. the same set of questions. Favourite food, favourite music, the same shit with a different person.
If all goes well, you would probably ask me for a ride.
I am wearing my favourite black laced underwear. Not for you, but because I wanted to feel special tonight. Beneath it; miles of skin, soft, and naked. I wonder if you’re here to just touch my skin and not my soul. I would want you to look at my scars, both outside and deep deep inside. The one’s you can’t see are the kinds that I want to share with you. I want you to make me feel so comfortable, that I can speak with you even if we were under the starry night. By not saying a word, I want you to make me feel like we had the best conversation of our lives.
Here we are. In a diner. You ordered a double chocolate shake even without asking. Damn! I think I am in love. Yes, call me a hopeless romantic, but chocolate actually earns you brownie points. I start to feel my stomach twist, every time you looked at me and gave me that smile. I felt like finally someone could see me. Someone wanted to know how my day went, what is my favourite childhood game, what makes me smile and how much I love the sunsets. You open your phone and show me a picture you took by the mountains sometime back. My smile widens and I feel like I’m the luckiest girl in the world.
In my head, I am scared as fuck to try to get to like you. In the past, I have felt this way and I have been let down. I cannot let the same thing happen again. It would completely destroy me. I know the feeling of having a conversation and not thinking for a second. I know the feeling of being heard.
I was biting my lower lip. It’s something I do when I feel the butterflies. You were making my world swirl. After the diner, you were kind enough to offer me a ride home.
On the way back, you played my favourite track – Falling in love at a coffee shop. Your hand was on the gear and mine on yours. I was feeling comfortable. I felt like I could laugh in the wierdest way and that would still make you smile. I could imagine us having the “future home” we live in conversation in a few days. I could imagine me invisible no more!
You stopped at the side and without even saying a word, you shoved your hand right up my dress. Immediately, all that I was feeling, I felt no more. The butterflies, they were gone. I hated the way you touched me without my permission. I pushed and screamed. You could see that I hated it. Not for once did you ask if this was okay! Why didn’t you? Why were you behaving like this?
I knew I made the mistake again. I let this happen to me. I could have avoided it. I could have remained invisible.