I happened to be watching a Netflix psychological thriller the other night and found a character I could relate with who happened to say these lines to which I majorly resonated to.
The key to happiness is Active Denial.
They would be lying if they said they had no regrets. That they were not hurting or could not stand other peoples success. It is only human to feel and what you feel is sometimes beyond control. That being said, living in denial is beyond control. I have tried and tested everything in my capacity to move on or make my head feel sane. It just keeps coming back.
The therapist you see will probably listen, make you feel like they are your companion, ask you to get busy or just refute to believe that you have become insane. The best friend is always there to listen and probably suggests something with zero judgement. However, there are days when even they can be pre-occupied with things in their lives and you just haveto understand. After a certain age, you probably refrain from telling your parents somethings too. It all goes back to your head.
Underneath the suits, behind closed doors, we’re all ruled by the same desires.
As a child growing up, I have never had the urge to feel included. I come from a humble beginning. In fact, I have started to believe that my life has been re-incarnated. I am a very different person now. I believed I had a wild side to me back then. I was fierce, free-spirited, had no fear, and not think twice about the repercussions. I would drive up the mountains, camp, feel the breeze on my face, gazed at the stars, and danced in the middle of the street. I met a spectacular young man who drove the craziness in me. He and I were inseparable. Most nights I feel this crazy urge to just pick up the phone and tell him how thankful I am for what we had. What I lived with him, no man can bring back in a 1000 years. Sigh! Only if it were that simple!
In the past couple of years, shit just got real. I started comparing my life with others, made a fuss about petty things, constantly kept bickering about the better life. It feels like I am stuck in a parallel realm! (The quantum physics fans can applaud!)
In all this what I did not realize is how bitter I got towards this place, the people and all of its surroundings. The only thing I look forward to in my day is sleep. At least I can dream about the good things and fill the void I so badly feel every day. I do not like the person I am turning out to be. What I want can never be mine and I keep holding on to that feeling helpless and on most days unworthy.
Painting source: http://kelliethomas-walker.com/blog/2018/8/15/reborn