Escape to fantasy….
“Supposed to be working… but having nothing to do when you have just started an internship is the worst feeling in this world. If only I had a better understanding of my life. It’s become a routine for me to find silly excuses and escape out of office. Every day, I come and sit in COSTA, forcefully spending unnecessary money that I know I am not capable of spending. Today I am trying a white Rasbery latte that tastes awfully sweet. Everyone around me looks like they have an agenda. Sitting with their laptops, some having business meetings, some on their phone about closing important deals. Here, even my playlist feels rusted. I have never felt more rejected, ignored, and incapable in life. So bored that I have literally kept count of the number of cars passing by every five minutes on the streets.
One thing that keeps crossing my mind is the fact that why I am sitting idle while the rest of the city gives me a feeling of never sleeping? I’m glad I have free WIFI to keep me entertained. Across the street is the main road. The daily hustle-bustle of Muscat city is right in front of my eyes, yet even my brain has nothing new to offer. People at work are so oblivious of my existence. Is it my fault? Every second, every hour feels like a lifetime at this confined office space. I feel so trapped. I know I am not such an unpleasant person to even talk to… Sitting here alone, thinking of all the possibilities feeling so done is a statement itself that derelicts all other options. Why don’t people have a little more faith in what I can do? All this time, I’ve been searching for that one reason to hold on… Now I believe, life has nothing better to offer….”
This is a tiny excerpt from four years ago while I was working as an intern in a media publishing house. It did pay me really well for that one month I barely survived. Today morning, I came across this writing in one of my old notepads which I carried to work. Along with a lot of other data’s and work-related stuff, I found this and it got back so many memories.
It got me to think that nothing much has changed since then. I am still that less confident about myself and have not grown out my daunting past. As i get older by the years, I realize that I have lost more people than having gained. Somehow, I cannot accept that. Why does it have to be this way or am I supposed to just be okay with what others want and let them move on… What about them taking away pieces of me that I give away to them by completely trusting them and hoping to get some long-lasting bond in return?
I am frayed, I am ruined, but at least I know better of myself to not play with other people’s emotions like they have played me. I am sick and tired of this less caring world filled with people who seem to have it all sorted. Well news flash bitches – I hope shit goes down with you as well and someday even if I’m gone, you shall regret everything that you have ever done….